Dear NYC // 1

I am terrified of you, New York City. With you, I face higher responsibilities and unimaginable opportunities. The next two years I will have a relationship with you and I'm curious to know how much you will challenge me. I am going after you because I want to experience and grow. If only I took this mentality in other areas in my life, such as romance. But maybe, New York, you can teach me that.

I am terrified and thrilled by your concrete jungle, your stubbornness, your vastness, and your just. I didn't know going after your dreams would require such a large braveness factor. It's not easy. That's what everyone says. But I say, it's not impossible.

Your city is meant to tower layers of tough skin to your people. My skin has been sun-kissed by California's unlimited source of sunshine, implementing laziness and prolongation. Yet I can't forget that I have been exposed to other regions of the world. They are listed in my past and mesh together with my present and future. Therefore, I tell myself I should be prepared for this next big step, but I can shake off this anxious feeling.

But New York, I choose you right now because I believe you will help me grow the most. And that terrifies me. But I am ready with this upcoming relationship with you.

A lack of color

I am changing. It's a change that I don't know how to control. I find it harder to keep myself writing down how I feel because I don't want to own up to it. I am scared of what I want, and I do what's needed to get there without thinking. I am at war between my home and new home, but hype up my state of birth out of fear and late admiration of the golden state.

Besides seeking experience that benefits me intellectually and career-wise, there are other areas in my life that I am lacking experience, such as romance. It has fogged my concentration on my future and I have procrastinated on important paperwork harder than I ever did in college. But maybe these feelings I have are something that's on the right track - to give attention to an area that I'm lacking color in.

I have fulfilled my heart with gratitude and minimized bitterness. To fulfill something with a full heart like how mine currently is makes it hard to accomplish what needs to be done, but is all part of growing up. I think, for the first time I feel so content with the people in my life, and have finally seen through clearer lenses how important they are to me.

And these people in my life all motivate me to do what's right and what's best. They see potential in me more than I see in myself. It's now or never, and time will pass. Before I know it, these feelings will mesh all together with a new and big adventure. How I'll feel about it will only be known once it happens.

New York City

To mark things more official, I want to share with you guys my next adventure ahead. I've talked about applying to graduate school, did my research and applied with the time that I could since starting in Fall 2014 would be ideal for me.

I went ahead and applied to two schools, just two. Because a huge part of my heart still remains in the UK, I applied to Kingston University in London and to make things more interesting, I applied to NYU. Both universities offered great programs that I believe could advance me to fulfill my career goals. After the wait that seemed to be forever, I got accepted into both universities.This decision was hard, but after long contemplation, I have decided to embark on a new journey to New York City!

Terrified

Regardless of being a cultural-seeking junkie outside of America, I have as of recently been faced with an extremely huge decision I have to make in regards of my future. This involves me moving, yes. I have always been up for experiences that will take me further to see, experience and grow. But for some reason, I am just so terrified for what's about to come next in my life.

Have I made a decision? Not officially. In my heart, I know where I want to go. But I can't help but think of how extreme this move is. I don't know whether if I'm just not ready, or haven't acknowledged that when it comes to these opportunities, fear never goes away. Sometimes life gives you an opportunity even when you're not ready. If not now, then when? When will an opportunity like this ever come again?

Don't get me wrong, I've had my ups and downs ever since I heard about the news. One moment I tell myself I can, and other times I tell myself I can't. This battle is abusive to my spiritual health. Is it the debt that scares me the most? Am I afraid that I can't make it out there on my own? Fear and money are the worst. I think it frightens me that fear will strike at multiple moments, and debt will remain a long ways down the road.

But that's life, right? This post itself is sounding like a battle. I guess, what I really need is the support. I need someone to tell me that it's going to be okay, and everything will work out rather than telling me how this experience won't be worth it. What can I benefit from this next move? So much. It will definitely make me grow, and the possibilities are endless. So if the possibilities are endless, what makes me think that I won't be successful in the end? The human condition to want to know what happens in the future is so tiresome.

Growing up

I talked to a friend today and she mentioned something truly meaningful to both of our lives. Growing up with parents disapproving the lifestyle I want to achieve can really affect my mentality since their opinion matters so much to me. But at this time in my life, I can't take no as an answer from my parents. Otherwise, how else am I going to grow up?

My friend mentioned that she is continuing her studies here at CSUSB to be closer to family as their request. She also mentioned the more she stays here, the more it drives her out to live in the city once she finishes school. I can completely relate to that. Although I achieved my studies close to home, it doesn't satisfy me enough to stay here. 

It is true that they say once you've seen and experienced other places it's hard to go back home. Maybe it's because I am young and have this rebel persona built inside of me, but hey, at least I'm going for my studies and my dream career. I know what I want. I just want to go out there and prove that I am able to achieve my goals and dreams to my parents, but it's hard for them to see that since they're so worried. At least I have parents that care? 

This crossing path between fulfilling my parent's needs and going for my dreams has really brought a downer on me this week, considering I received good news. I have a chance to go and study at a graduate program in a city I admire so much. 

You'd figure I wouldn't have a problem dealing with my parents about me going after my dreams since I've done study abroad twice in my life, but sometimes they affect me pretty bad. But I know part of growing up means that I should create the life I want to live by without anyone's consent. 

New goal

The past two weeks have been full of anxiety, contemplation and hopefulness regarding my future. Two weeks full of these emotions are the two weeks post graduation. I have not been in relaxation mode or have given credibility to myself by the fact that I've accomplished my Bachelors degree. I need to calm down!!

Coming home from studying abroad motivated me to pursue my dreams. But that fell out of place during my last quarter in college (ironic, right?). I should be excited on planning to go abroad again, especially seeing my friends and all these post study-abroaders returning to their second homes. The truth is, I reached a point where I'm reverting back to old habits and doubting to pursue my dreams. It's easy to get these jitters again when all I am thinking is how I'm going to pay back my student loans...

But recently, there has been a shift to all these doubts. Reverting back means that I am gradually losing the knowledge and wisdom I have learned in the past two years, and I don't want to lose that. Something about this week has inspired me to continue forward. I have finally woken up from my lack of motivation and have made a new life goal. And I have to thank all the people I met up and talked to this week for believing in me more than myself. 

I have made the decision to apply to graduate school. Graduate school has always been in mind, but as to when I wanted to go was always ambiguous. I feel that now is the right time to go. I have found programs that I definitely see myself studying and they are all located in major cities, which I dream living in.  If I do get into one of these universities, it will be a dramatic change for me since they are all not in California. I found programs located in the east coast and out of the country.

Let's hope that one of these schools accept me. Although I have accomplished my dream to study abroad in the UK, I have yet to meet my goal on living in a big city. Swansea did not give me justice on living in a 'city' but nevertheless I am grateful because I could not imagine my life without the people I met during that year.

So cheers to a new goal, a new year and a new me! 

You travel, you learn

Now that I am back home from Korea for about three days now, I have reflected a lot about my time there. It was my goal to be productive this summer, and as of yet I have accomplished more than just being productive; I've grown in many ways, met new people, experienced a different culture and embarked on a new territory in a region I have always wanted to go.

Although Korea did not feel like a complete culture shock, much of what I experienced justified the other culture I was raised by - Asian culture. I am not Korean, but some of the traditions (not all) are similar to Vietnamese. Getting to experience a non-Westernized country (although slowly becoming) was beneficial for me. Spending two months in Korea taught me many lessons. This summer (brace yourselves, I'm about to get a bit personal!) I realized that I was ditching my own 'kind of people'.

I make friends with anybody, regardless of their ethic background, but I always knew I was never part of an Asian community (which is one of the reasons why I went to Korea). I don't know why; maybe it was because I was raised in a dominating Hispanic community, but still, I never put the effort into making Asian friends. It irritated me sometimes because let's be honest, a lot of Asians in America group up with each other all the time and it sometimes confused me because it didn't seem open-minded. Little minded as I was, I realized all people with similar backgrounds group up together because  they don't feel a loss of identity like I do, and therefore they could relate to each other. Diversity is a great thing, but it's also always nice to be around people who grew up in similar lifestyles and traditions as you. Otherwise, you'd feel lost.

With that, I realized that I wasn't accepting myself. I believe I have Westernized myself so much that I forget to appreciate the valuable things that I should be grateful for - my family, my dual culture (or triple + British) and the traditions I grew up with - they should be embraced.

There are changes that I want to make in my life now and I want to be able to embrace and accept all that I am, as cheesy as that sounds. Making the most of what you have is the best way to live, isn't it? I do not and in no way have the intention on being racist or am I trying to bash on my own culture - for my whole life I have been very proud of my ethic background. I guess I should say, being brought up in two different cultures while having the Westernized, individualistic society dominating my sense of direction can get frustrating. Which in ways is funny because I can get pretty bitter about American culture and miss my life in Britain very much...let's just say that identity is a complex thing. It isn't about finding out who you are; it's about what you create in your life. And for me, thus far, my identity is a combination of all these things, whether I will figure them out or not, this is who I am. 

So thank you, Korea for helping me realize all of this. I've made such great friends with new people and have made stronger bonds with friends I've known in my life longer. This summer was one huge benefit for me and I will forever be always grateful for it.

And now, I will end with a video of this summer at Dankook, made by one of my wonderful students, Subin :)

To the next adventure ahead, this blog will always be updated :)