A lack of color

I am changing. It's a change that I don't know how to control. I find it harder to keep myself writing down how I feel because I don't want to own up to it. I am scared of what I want, and I do what's needed to get there without thinking. I am at war between my home and new home, but hype up my state of birth out of fear and late admiration of the golden state.

Besides seeking experience that benefits me intellectually and career-wise, there are other areas in my life that I am lacking experience, such as romance. It has fogged my concentration on my future and I have procrastinated on important paperwork harder than I ever did in college. But maybe these feelings I have are something that's on the right track - to give attention to an area that I'm lacking color in.

I have fulfilled my heart with gratitude and minimized bitterness. To fulfill something with a full heart like how mine currently is makes it hard to accomplish what needs to be done, but is all part of growing up. I think, for the first time I feel so content with the people in my life, and have finally seen through clearer lenses how important they are to me.

And these people in my life all motivate me to do what's right and what's best. They see potential in me more than I see in myself. It's now or never, and time will pass. Before I know it, these feelings will mesh all together with a new and big adventure. How I'll feel about it will only be known once it happens.

Growing up

I talked to a friend today and she mentioned something truly meaningful to both of our lives. Growing up with parents disapproving the lifestyle I want to achieve can really affect my mentality since their opinion matters so much to me. But at this time in my life, I can't take no as an answer from my parents. Otherwise, how else am I going to grow up?

My friend mentioned that she is continuing her studies here at CSUSB to be closer to family as their request. She also mentioned the more she stays here, the more it drives her out to live in the city once she finishes school. I can completely relate to that. Although I achieved my studies close to home, it doesn't satisfy me enough to stay here. 

It is true that they say once you've seen and experienced other places it's hard to go back home. Maybe it's because I am young and have this rebel persona built inside of me, but hey, at least I'm going for my studies and my dream career. I know what I want. I just want to go out there and prove that I am able to achieve my goals and dreams to my parents, but it's hard for them to see that since they're so worried. At least I have parents that care? 

This crossing path between fulfilling my parent's needs and going for my dreams has really brought a downer on me this week, considering I received good news. I have a chance to go and study at a graduate program in a city I admire so much. 

You'd figure I wouldn't have a problem dealing with my parents about me going after my dreams since I've done study abroad twice in my life, but sometimes they affect me pretty bad. But I know part of growing up means that I should create the life I want to live by without anyone's consent.