When you go back home

When you arrive back home, your life in the big city doesn't seem real. Everything here is exactly where you remember it to be. You're grateful to be back, but as the days kick in, you realize why you wanted to move out in the first place. Everything feels heavier, and you start appreciating your independence you have in your new city. 

But then you start to remember when you get angry and get into arguments with your family and friends, you always pick it all back up and just forgive. And learn to just...appreciate that you have those kinds of relationships in your life. Because that's love - being able to speak your mind to someone even if it does cause conflict and having those people forgive and still love you no matter what. 

I'm grateful to see that and it really makes me happy to be home for Christmas. My life in New York doesn't feel real when I'm back here. The fact that I'm here at home for a month feels like I'm integrating back to my old lifestyle here again. 

There is so much that I want to document that I have not yet and it's mostly because of my annoying way of believing if my experiences are "valid" to post about because most of the time I feel like I am dramatizing everything. It's hard to leave knowing what you left behind. And my guilt levels are heightened more than anyone else's, even when I'm aware that nothing is wrong. 

It scares me to know that I'm living my life in New York all solely for me. It may sound odd, but I don't think me is enough, which is probably why I crave to find people out in the city that make me feel like home. But besides this craving and this feeling of loneliness, there isn't a day where I am in awe of the city and how fortunate I am to attend NYU. To say the least, this is where I want to be right now. 

Merry Christmas everyone <3 

Dear NYC // 3

So much of the west coast represents who I am and so much of the east coast is entirely new to me. I was never a huge fan of Los Angeles, and even though it's not my favorite city, I can't avoid how much this city and state in general represents who I am. My heart lies with the LA Kings, a sports team I've been watching since I was 11 years old. Mexican food/culture is almost a part of who I am because of my surroundings and great friendships that welcome me so closely to their homes. And I'm sure so many other things that I do all sum up what a Californian is to be, but not all of me is.

I crave culture other than the gold mining and the historic foundations of Hollywood. Friends tell me the east coast feels more like Europe and therefore I want to see and feel something similar, yet very different. I'd like to see buildings that aren't just manufactures or cut-copy suburban homes. At least that's how it is here in my hometown.

No matter where I go NYC, I can't forget where I'm from and where I've been. I keep a part of me everywhere I've lived and traveled through. This is one of the reasons I love traveling so much. I'm always going to feel gratitude wherever I go. And as I venture off to you next NYC, I'm happy to learn what you're about to teach me, and carry you with me wherever I go next. But right now, it's good to know that you will be my present soon enough.

Dear NYC // 2

It's a little over a month left until I make my big move. I still have to take care of a few more things before I leave. It scares me that I haven't found a place to live just yet, and although I have a roommate to work through together with, it's very difficult to find a place without physically being there. Being positive is the only thing that helps me carry on about it.

Although I'm stressed about finding a place to live, I hope I don't forget about the things I've always wanted to do while living independently. I've always dreamed of living in a big city, where I would have the freedom to roam around and organize my tiny apartment the way I wish for it to be. I hope I won't forget small things like filling a cabinet full of various types of tea and finally owning a record player where I could listen to vinyls on days where I need to relax, and so many more things. I also want real weather changes, even though my inner Californian will die over your harsh winters, NYC.

As silly as this sounds NYC, I fear I will forget about all these things is because I will be caught up on so many responsibilities. Living here at home made me forget about things I've always wanted to do because I'm obliged to be responsible for others, yet I have grown to want to because it's out of love. And although I've tried to make time for myself, it gets hard to do. That's why I think it's so stressful to do things for myself right now, especially with this big move. But a small voice inside my head tells me that it will be different, because moving is for me and I'll be focusing on myself.

This will be my first time flying inside of America. I feel like I am finally embracing the country I was born in when all this time before I kept running away from it. I guess you can say you appreciate where you're from once you've been away for so long, but that doesn't mean I'll get nostalgic for the places I've known so well like the UK or South Korea.

A lack of color

I am changing. It's a change that I don't know how to control. I find it harder to keep myself writing down how I feel because I don't want to own up to it. I am scared of what I want, and I do what's needed to get there without thinking. I am at war between my home and new home, but hype up my state of birth out of fear and late admiration of the golden state.

Besides seeking experience that benefits me intellectually and career-wise, there are other areas in my life that I am lacking experience, such as romance. It has fogged my concentration on my future and I have procrastinated on important paperwork harder than I ever did in college. But maybe these feelings I have are something that's on the right track - to give attention to an area that I'm lacking color in.

I have fulfilled my heart with gratitude and minimized bitterness. To fulfill something with a full heart like how mine currently is makes it hard to accomplish what needs to be done, but is all part of growing up. I think, for the first time I feel so content with the people in my life, and have finally seen through clearer lenses how important they are to me.

And these people in my life all motivate me to do what's right and what's best. They see potential in me more than I see in myself. It's now or never, and time will pass. Before I know it, these feelings will mesh all together with a new and big adventure. How I'll feel about it will only be known once it happens.

How I'm getting by

I spent the first two months back reaching out to people I know from my hometown and to familiar places to help me feel like I'm at home again. By this month I realized by doing that continued to show how much I have changed and in result, I want different things, which separates me from a few people. Now I'm starting to isolate myself more but it's not a bad type of isolation. I'm figuring out what I want to do with my life. I'm constantly keeping inspired and reaching out to people who I've met abroad and they've been helping me a lot.


Friends reflect who you are, and when I tried to connect with friends in my hometown I just couldn't relate to them anymore. And I believe with experiencing reverse culture shock to this extent, you have to learn how to cut out a lot of things like your old friendships. And it's not in a matter of being rude either, it's about respecting yourself. You have to sort out who is important and who is not.



Also, I'm learning not to be afraid of these changes. Not only did I change while I was in Swansea, I have changed a lot this summer. I can only imagine what an experience it's going to be once I get back to CSUSB. But the important part of it all is to try and keep yourself motivated and try to sort out what gets you continuing rather than whats holding back or making you feel guilty.

I'm not trying to scare new comers who either want or are studying abroad, but if it scares you just know that yes, you're in for a big shock but know that studying abroad is honestly one of the best decisions I have ever made and feeling the way I do now is only going to make you into this open minded person who is knowledgeable about culture in your host home and so many other things!

So - embrace change, surround yourself with the right people and always stay inspired!