Dear NYC // 6

I have officially started my second semester of grad school. The first week back was short, considering I did not have to attend to two of my classes due to the blizzard. I can't say much what I think thus far about how classes are going, but how things are going in general feels quite overwhelming. This is the city where you make your dreams come true, and although I am at the right place and getting the best education for it, I often feel discouraged when it comes to finding internships and work experience.

And yes, everyone goes through this anxious feeling. Applying to over 20 different companies, hoping you'll get recognized. This is how I'm currently feeling. It's about time I get more experience written down on my resume so when I graduate, I won't feel as concerned about finding a job. It's hard not to feel discouraged when you hear your classmates getting into all these amazing jobs and internships. The only real competition here is the one with myself. I want to be better than how I was last semester. Sometimes I don't even know what I'm getting myself in to. I'm still in this phase where I'm still figuring out what I want to do in this field. Maybe it's because I want to explore my options or I'm actually afraid to get into the industry I've always wanted to. Why am I so afraid? I guess learning it in depth was different from what I thought it would be. But still, when I think of another option, I know this is where I truly want to be. This is what my heart desires.

For this new semester and this new year, I want to really take advantage with everything that New York offers. I think I sheltered myself during my first semester. I don't realize that I still live through my family's eyes when I should live through my own. And although my family wants the best for me and for me to be safe, that security blanket I hide behind needs to be pulled off. I need to reveal who I am, what I have to offer, and absorb everything that has yet to come.

My biggest fear is to not see greatness right in front of me. I have let too many opportunities pass me by in regards to so many aspects of my life. Although I've achieved a lot these past couple of years, I only want to prove to myself that I'm capable of more when it comes to finding a goal and enriching my life the way I've always wanted. I finally feel like I'm living in a place where I'm challenged to my maximum. Although everyone here is competing and searching, it doesn't mean it's impossible to find what you truly desire.

Dear NYC // 3

So much of the west coast represents who I am and so much of the east coast is entirely new to me. I was never a huge fan of Los Angeles, and even though it's not my favorite city, I can't avoid how much this city and state in general represents who I am. My heart lies with the LA Kings, a sports team I've been watching since I was 11 years old. Mexican food/culture is almost a part of who I am because of my surroundings and great friendships that welcome me so closely to their homes. And I'm sure so many other things that I do all sum up what a Californian is to be, but not all of me is.

I crave culture other than the gold mining and the historic foundations of Hollywood. Friends tell me the east coast feels more like Europe and therefore I want to see and feel something similar, yet very different. I'd like to see buildings that aren't just manufactures or cut-copy suburban homes. At least that's how it is here in my hometown.

No matter where I go NYC, I can't forget where I'm from and where I've been. I keep a part of me everywhere I've lived and traveled through. This is one of the reasons I love traveling so much. I'm always going to feel gratitude wherever I go. And as I venture off to you next NYC, I'm happy to learn what you're about to teach me, and carry you with me wherever I go next. But right now, it's good to know that you will be my present soon enough.

A lack of color

I am changing. It's a change that I don't know how to control. I find it harder to keep myself writing down how I feel because I don't want to own up to it. I am scared of what I want, and I do what's needed to get there without thinking. I am at war between my home and new home, but hype up my state of birth out of fear and late admiration of the golden state.

Besides seeking experience that benefits me intellectually and career-wise, there are other areas in my life that I am lacking experience, such as romance. It has fogged my concentration on my future and I have procrastinated on important paperwork harder than I ever did in college. But maybe these feelings I have are something that's on the right track - to give attention to an area that I'm lacking color in.

I have fulfilled my heart with gratitude and minimized bitterness. To fulfill something with a full heart like how mine currently is makes it hard to accomplish what needs to be done, but is all part of growing up. I think, for the first time I feel so content with the people in my life, and have finally seen through clearer lenses how important they are to me.

And these people in my life all motivate me to do what's right and what's best. They see potential in me more than I see in myself. It's now or never, and time will pass. Before I know it, these feelings will mesh all together with a new and big adventure. How I'll feel about it will only be known once it happens.