Dear NYC // 6

I have officially started my second semester of grad school. The first week back was short, considering I did not have to attend to two of my classes due to the blizzard. I can't say much what I think thus far about how classes are going, but how things are going in general feels quite overwhelming. This is the city where you make your dreams come true, and although I am at the right place and getting the best education for it, I often feel discouraged when it comes to finding internships and work experience.

And yes, everyone goes through this anxious feeling. Applying to over 20 different companies, hoping you'll get recognized. This is how I'm currently feeling. It's about time I get more experience written down on my resume so when I graduate, I won't feel as concerned about finding a job. It's hard not to feel discouraged when you hear your classmates getting into all these amazing jobs and internships. The only real competition here is the one with myself. I want to be better than how I was last semester. Sometimes I don't even know what I'm getting myself in to. I'm still in this phase where I'm still figuring out what I want to do in this field. Maybe it's because I want to explore my options or I'm actually afraid to get into the industry I've always wanted to. Why am I so afraid? I guess learning it in depth was different from what I thought it would be. But still, when I think of another option, I know this is where I truly want to be. This is what my heart desires.

For this new semester and this new year, I want to really take advantage with everything that New York offers. I think I sheltered myself during my first semester. I don't realize that I still live through my family's eyes when I should live through my own. And although my family wants the best for me and for me to be safe, that security blanket I hide behind needs to be pulled off. I need to reveal who I am, what I have to offer, and absorb everything that has yet to come.

My biggest fear is to not see greatness right in front of me. I have let too many opportunities pass me by in regards to so many aspects of my life. Although I've achieved a lot these past couple of years, I only want to prove to myself that I'm capable of more when it comes to finding a goal and enriching my life the way I've always wanted. I finally feel like I'm living in a place where I'm challenged to my maximum. Although everyone here is competing and searching, it doesn't mean it's impossible to find what you truly desire.

Dear NYC // 5

I want to tell you how independent I have been feeling. Sometimes it gets lonely, especially when I experience new things. But no matter how many friends you make in NYC, you're still on your own more than anywhere else. I used to dislike how lonely I felt, but then I realized that spending this much time on my own is not a bad thing. 

I'm not trying to say that I'm concentrating on a relationship on myself. I'm learning a whole lot more about me, and am aware of my capabilities. I'm learning how this city encourages you to be you, and how you should take advantage of its opportunities. I'm learning that perfection isn't a goal, but excellence is, and I'm also learning that its healthy to invest in experiences you're not familiar with. 

In the beginning, I didn't see New York through a tourist's eye. Moving in is different than visiting, but there sure is no excuse to not see NYC's beauty. A classmate told me that she likes to go to Times Square whenever she feels stressed about work and school because when she does, it reminds her where she's actually living. Tourists aren't bad sometimes, but bitterness usually is.

I can't put a concrete feeling whenever I'm somewhere new. But what I can say is that I think being in NYC exactly where I need to be right now. And I do believe as the days go by, that reassurance is going to grow stronger. 

Dear NYC // 4

Things have never felt so real as they do now. My roommate and I have finally found a place to live in NYC and my flight has been officially booked! I thought finding an apartment would stress me out for the entire month of August, but that stress condensed into two extremely emotional days. Everything is still sinking in. And the countdown begins!

Dear NYC // 3

So much of the west coast represents who I am and so much of the east coast is entirely new to me. I was never a huge fan of Los Angeles, and even though it's not my favorite city, I can't avoid how much this city and state in general represents who I am. My heart lies with the LA Kings, a sports team I've been watching since I was 11 years old. Mexican food/culture is almost a part of who I am because of my surroundings and great friendships that welcome me so closely to their homes. And I'm sure so many other things that I do all sum up what a Californian is to be, but not all of me is.

I crave culture other than the gold mining and the historic foundations of Hollywood. Friends tell me the east coast feels more like Europe and therefore I want to see and feel something similar, yet very different. I'd like to see buildings that aren't just manufactures or cut-copy suburban homes. At least that's how it is here in my hometown.

No matter where I go NYC, I can't forget where I'm from and where I've been. I keep a part of me everywhere I've lived and traveled through. This is one of the reasons I love traveling so much. I'm always going to feel gratitude wherever I go. And as I venture off to you next NYC, I'm happy to learn what you're about to teach me, and carry you with me wherever I go next. But right now, it's good to know that you will be my present soon enough.

Dear NYC // 2

It's a little over a month left until I make my big move. I still have to take care of a few more things before I leave. It scares me that I haven't found a place to live just yet, and although I have a roommate to work through together with, it's very difficult to find a place without physically being there. Being positive is the only thing that helps me carry on about it.

Although I'm stressed about finding a place to live, I hope I don't forget about the things I've always wanted to do while living independently. I've always dreamed of living in a big city, where I would have the freedom to roam around and organize my tiny apartment the way I wish for it to be. I hope I won't forget small things like filling a cabinet full of various types of tea and finally owning a record player where I could listen to vinyls on days where I need to relax, and so many more things. I also want real weather changes, even though my inner Californian will die over your harsh winters, NYC.

As silly as this sounds NYC, I fear I will forget about all these things is because I will be caught up on so many responsibilities. Living here at home made me forget about things I've always wanted to do because I'm obliged to be responsible for others, yet I have grown to want to because it's out of love. And although I've tried to make time for myself, it gets hard to do. That's why I think it's so stressful to do things for myself right now, especially with this big move. But a small voice inside my head tells me that it will be different, because moving is for me and I'll be focusing on myself.

This will be my first time flying inside of America. I feel like I am finally embracing the country I was born in when all this time before I kept running away from it. I guess you can say you appreciate where you're from once you've been away for so long, but that doesn't mean I'll get nostalgic for the places I've known so well like the UK or South Korea.