Terrified

Regardless of being a cultural-seeking junkie outside of America, I have as of recently been faced with an extremely huge decision I have to make in regards of my future. This involves me moving, yes. I have always been up for experiences that will take me further to see, experience and grow. But for some reason, I am just so terrified for what's about to come next in my life.

Have I made a decision? Not officially. In my heart, I know where I want to go. But I can't help but think of how extreme this move is. I don't know whether if I'm just not ready, or haven't acknowledged that when it comes to these opportunities, fear never goes away. Sometimes life gives you an opportunity even when you're not ready. If not now, then when? When will an opportunity like this ever come again?

Don't get me wrong, I've had my ups and downs ever since I heard about the news. One moment I tell myself I can, and other times I tell myself I can't. This battle is abusive to my spiritual health. Is it the debt that scares me the most? Am I afraid that I can't make it out there on my own? Fear and money are the worst. I think it frightens me that fear will strike at multiple moments, and debt will remain a long ways down the road.

But that's life, right? This post itself is sounding like a battle. I guess, what I really need is the support. I need someone to tell me that it's going to be okay, and everything will work out rather than telling me how this experience won't be worth it. What can I benefit from this next move? So much. It will definitely make me grow, and the possibilities are endless. So if the possibilities are endless, what makes me think that I won't be successful in the end? The human condition to want to know what happens in the future is so tiresome.

Growing up

I talked to a friend today and she mentioned something truly meaningful to both of our lives. Growing up with parents disapproving the lifestyle I want to achieve can really affect my mentality since their opinion matters so much to me. But at this time in my life, I can't take no as an answer from my parents. Otherwise, how else am I going to grow up?

My friend mentioned that she is continuing her studies here at CSUSB to be closer to family as their request. She also mentioned the more she stays here, the more it drives her out to live in the city once she finishes school. I can completely relate to that. Although I achieved my studies close to home, it doesn't satisfy me enough to stay here. 

It is true that they say once you've seen and experienced other places it's hard to go back home. Maybe it's because I am young and have this rebel persona built inside of me, but hey, at least I'm going for my studies and my dream career. I know what I want. I just want to go out there and prove that I am able to achieve my goals and dreams to my parents, but it's hard for them to see that since they're so worried. At least I have parents that care? 

This crossing path between fulfilling my parent's needs and going for my dreams has really brought a downer on me this week, considering I received good news. I have a chance to go and study at a graduate program in a city I admire so much. 

You'd figure I wouldn't have a problem dealing with my parents about me going after my dreams since I've done study abroad twice in my life, but sometimes they affect me pretty bad. But I know part of growing up means that I should create the life I want to live by without anyone's consent.